Friday, February 21, 2014

Unused "Facts of Life" Parody Chester Grim Script

Mr. Wormser was buried under the floor at the end of Series 5 Episode 2.  He was scheduled to return in Episode 4, entitled "The Inception of Facts".  For budgetary reasons (we couldn't afford to buy wigs) the idea was scrapped.  When Wormser returns in "Chester's Hallowe'en Treat", he explains the unproduced episode away as a fever dream he suffered.


Here's the script for what would have been Episode 4 of Series 5.




CHESTER GRIM'S MAUSOLEUM: NEW 2013 EPISODE
#5-4  "The Inception of Facts"

 

There is no "traditional" show open for this episode. Mr. Wormser is lying on the Mausoleum table. Chester hovers over him, apparently worried. He looks at the camera, addressing the audience.



CHESTER
Oh, my! Good evening, friends! You'll have to excuse me! It appears that Mr. Wormser here was accidentally buried alive during the conclusion of our last episode!
Wormser is groggy, borderline incoherent.


WORMSER
Chester? Chester, did I make it?

CHESTER
You sure did, old bean! I can't believe it! Somehow, you managed to chew through almost 30 feet of gravel and concrete!

WORMSER
It was so dark... utter blackness! Only occasional glimpses of light. It was like looking through Kim Kardashian's dating history!

CHESTER
Calm yourself now, Abe. Calm yourself. You'll pull through. I just know it!

WORMSER
I saw my whole life flash before my eyes.

CHESTER
And what did you see?

WORMSER
I - I took the good. I took the bad. I took 'em both - and then - I had...

CHESTER
The facts of life?!?

WORMSER
The facts of life. Aaaaaahhhh - the... facts... of... life...

Mr. Wormser begins to drift out of consciousness. As the camera begins to blur out on his face, going into a dream state, we can hear Chester calling his name in the muffled distance. Suddenly, as Mr. Wormser is completely enveloped in his dream, we are treated to an opening number which parodies the beginning of "The Facts Of Life" TV show.

Chester Grim in place of Charlotte Rae
Mr. Wormser in place of Lisa Whelchel
Tiny Marvin in place of Kim Fields
Lewis Babcock in place of Mindy Cohn
"and Legion as Jo" in place of "and Nancy McKeon as Jo"

As the song wraps up, we are given fake names for the rest of the crew, mimicking the way the opening titles for the show were presented. After the open, we cut inside the regular Mausoleum set. There is a telephone ringing. Chester, wearing a red wig and apron, is now "Mrs. Grim" (Mrs. G for short). He (she?) hurries to the telephone and answers it.

MRS. G
Hello? Eastland Mausoleum, Edna Grim speaking! Hmm? Oh, hello, Mr. Parker. Why, yes! As a matter of fact we do have an opening next Wednesday. Mmm-hmm. I'll pencil you in for 11am. And I'm so sorry to hear about your wife. Allright, goodbye.

(She hangs up the phone)


MRS. G
Good ol' Mr. Parker! Every couple of years he gets a new wife, and a few months later, we get to perform the funeral! I'm not sure I want to know his secret, but - business is business!
(canned laughter)

Mr. Wormser, in a long blonde wig (now known as Blair Wormser) walks onto the set across the room.

BLAIR
Good morning, Mrs. Grim! You look absolutely fetching today! Is that a new apron? Or have you been out grave robbing again?
(canned laughter)

MRS. G
Oh, Blair! You know I had to give that up when all of you used my best shovel on the Harvest Fair parade float!
(canned laughter)

MRS. G
You're looking radiant yourself!



BLAIR
I know! Thank you for noticing!

Suddenly, Legion (as Jo) walks into the shot with Mrs. G.

JO
Mrs. G, I just can't take it anymore!

MRS. G
Oh, my goodness! What's wrong, Jo?

JO
I've told these girls a hundred times to stay outta my stuff! Somebody's been in my toolbox again!

BLAIR
Now, Jo - why would any of us want to rifle through that filthy, disgusting toolbox of yours? I mean, honestly?

JO
I don't know why, and I don't care! All's I know is, my new roll of twisted jute twine is missing!

BLAIR
Well I can assure you that Blair Wormser has absolutely NO need of your crummy, blue-collar twine!

MRS. G
You'd better remember that the next time your jawbone drops off...
(canned laughter)

We cut to another area of the room where Tiny Marvin (Tiny Tootie) and Babcock (Natalie) are standing/sitting/whatever. Tiny Tootie is holding a roll of jute twine. Natalie is just sitting there, mouth agape, as a severed head would normally do.

BLAIR
Well, there's your answer, Jo!

Jo turns to the two girls.

JO
Tiny Tootie! Natalie! Muh jute twine! Thieves!

TOOTIE
(gibberish that sounds like)
Uh-oh, we are in trou-buuuuulllle...
(canned laughter)

MRS. G
Girls! I want to know why you've been going through Jo's things, and I want to know right now! Natalie, what do you have to say for yourself?

We get a close-up of Natalie, mouth agape, with no words being spoken. Seconds later, a shot of Tootie.



TOOTIE
(gibberish)

JO
A likely story! Give it back, or you're both gonna be breathin' through your ears!

Off camera, the twine is tossed back to Jo, who catches it.

JO
Now stay out of my toolbox! And remember - I am Jo Polegionaczek - and I suffer no fools! I'm Audi 5000!
(canned laughter and applause)

Jo walks off the set.

BLAIR
She's so ill-mannered! And - and - common! You two better listen to her! I'm not willing to risk losing any of my perfect teeth because of your half-brained schemes!

We cut to a closeup of Natalie. After a few seconds -
(canned laughter)




MRS. G
Okay, girls. Let's get things together. I need all of you to help in the kitchen. If you haven't forgotten, Blair's cousin Geri is coming to visit us tonight.

TOOTIE
(gibberish)

MRS. G
Right! Now, move it out! Hup, hup, hup!

Everyone "marches" out of the room, to canned applause as we fade out and cut to commercials.

Back from commercials, Blair is sitting in front of a television. The TV light flickers on her face. In another shot, Nibsy the Mouse (Cousin Geri) walks into frame. Geri has cerebral palsy and is a little "off".

GERI
Hey, Blair!

BLAIR
Geri! Nice to see you!

Almost unconcerned, Blair turns back to the TV set.

GERI
That's funny. I thought I just had cerebral palsy. I guess now I'm invisible!
(canned laughter)

GERI
What are you watching?


BLAIR
I don't know. But - it's weird!



Cousin Geri walks out of "her" shot. We cut back to Blair. Geri joins her in the shot. They both watch the TV.

GERI
Whoa! Who is that? Looks kind of like you! And Mrs. Grim!

We see a shot of the TV screen. It's "Chester Grim's Mausoleum" - a long shot with Chester standing over the incoherent Mr. Wormser, talking to him, and cradling his prone body.

CHESTER
Abe, can you hear me? Snap out of it! Oh, dear!

BLAIR
This is uncanny!

We cut to a shot of Mrs. G walking onto the set. She notices the girls watching TV.

MRS. G
Geri! I didn't hear you come in! Normally you knock over a chair or two!
(canned laughter)

MRS. G
What are you girls watching?

Mrs. G walks into the shot with the two girls watching TV. She leans over, paying close attention to Chester.

MRS. G
Oh deary me! Who's that handsome man?

BLAIR
Mrs. Grim - don't you see the resemblance?

MRS. G
I sure do! He looks a little like a young Ricardo Montalban!
(canned laughter)

We cut to a closeup shot of Blair. The camera zooms into her pupil. As it zooms out again, it is coming out of Mr. Wormser's pupil. He still lies motionless on the table. Chester is pacing about nervously. We are now out of the "dream world" and back to the normal Mausoleum.

CHESTER
Ugh! He's completely catatonic! I have no idea what to do! I need help!
CAN ANYONE HEAR MY PLEA?!?

With that, there is a loud clap of thunder and flashes of light. You guessed it, Legion appears.

LEGION
I sense great dispair in you, Mickey... oh, sorry. It's been awhile. I forgot you weren't Mickey Rourke!

CHESTER
Legion! Don't apologize! I'm just so glad you're here!

LEGION
All those years, me callin' you Mickey Rourke! I must have looked like a right plumb idiot!

CHESTER
I'm serious. It's quite alright.

LEGION
I mean, why didn't you just tell me? Were you a-skeered I'd be insulted? Or refuse to help ye? I ain't like that!

CHESTER
Of course you're not. And I appreciate you sensing trouble. You're right on the money, as usual!

LEGION
Of course I am! Right! Now, what's on your mind, Iggy Pop?

Chester shakes his head, ever so slightly, as if he's disappointed. Seconds later, he responds, motioning towards Mr. Wormser on the table.

CHESTER
It's my friend, Mr. Wormser...

LEGION
THAT'S Mr. Wormser? Great Trihideon's Tail! What happened to him? He get some work done?

CHESTER
Ah - it's a long story.

LEGION
I'll say! An omnipotent amalgamation of at least three holiday seasons goes away for a few years, and when I come back, everything's turned screwy!

CHESTER
Uhhhh...

LEGION
He's dreaming!

CHESTER
What?

LEGION
Dreaming! Can't you see the way his little legs kick every once in awhile?

CHESTER
But I can't wake him up! He's completely unresponsive!

LEGION
He is trapped in a dark slumber. One that my magic cannot rouse him from. This task will be difficult! Are you up to the challenge?

CHESTER
Oh, yes, Master! I will do whatever must be done!

LEGION
Good! That's what I like to hear! Now then, have you ever seen the 2010 Christopher Nolan film "Inception"?

CHESTER
Hmm. The name doesn't ring a bell. Is Peter North in it?

LEGION
No, no! It was edited by Lee Smith, A.C.E.!

CHESTER
Oh, "Inception"! Yes! I have seen that! What a gem!

LEGION
Excellent! You will enter Wormser's dream-state and pull him back into our reality! I suggest you take a break so I can prepare you for your journey!

CHESTER
Ah, Legion. So wise, even in the tendencies of television broadcasting! Hold steadfast, friends! We shall return, right after these messages!

Cut to commercial(s).

Back from commercials.

Chester is sitting in a chair in front of the table where Mr. Wormser continues to lie prone. "Brain scan" type pads and wires connect Chester's head to Wormser's. Legion walks into frame, behind the table.

LEGION
Allright, then! Now, when I put you under, you will enter the dream realm. But - you must have a totem - just like in the movie - to let you know when you are actually awake!

CHESTER
Ooh, like a top! Leo DiCaprio had a top, and when it stopped spinning, he knew he was in reality!

LEGION
Yes! But unfortunately, I was not able to acquire a sufficient top. Instead of a top, we will use this here Beyblade toy! It spins when you pull the cord!

Legion hands Chester the Beyblade.

CHESTER
Fascinating!

LEGION
Now then - get poppin', Iggy Pop!

CHESTER
But Legion, how will I know when I'm in his dream?

LEGION
You're in it... right now.

We cut back to Chester, still sitting in the chair, but now, he is outside. He stands up and looks around. The environment changes from daylight to night. Chester turns, and we see the "Mausoleum castle" in the background.

CHESTER
There it is!



Chester walks out of frame. We cut to inside of the "Facts of Life Mausoleum". Blair is still watching the TV.

BLAIR
What's he doing now?

Mrs. G walks onto the set.

MRS. G
Blair! Why are you still watching TV? The other girls have already left for the symposium at Bates Military Morgue! You know how much you love advanced autopsy training!
(canned laughter)

BLAIR
Mrs. Grim - I can't explain it. Watching this show is just like... just like...

We cut to Chester, walking into another shot.

CHESTER
Just like being... home?

Blair is startled. She sees Chester standing beside Mrs. G, who appears to be frozen in place.

BLAIR
Mrs. Grim? Mrs. Grim?

CHESTER
Abe, listen to me. You're not really who you think you are.

BLAIR
I most certainly am! I'm Blair Wormser!
(canned laughter)

CHESTER
No, you're not. Your name is Abraham Wormser. And you don't live in this Mausoleum, you live in mine.

BLAIR
What are you talking about? I've been here at Eastland for the last 3 years! And I intend on graduating with a master embalmer's license!
(canned laughter)

CHESTER
I'm sorry, Abe, but that isn't true. This is all just a dream. You suffered a horrible trauma. Everything you see here is just a figment of your imagination.

BLAIR
You're a liar! Mrs. Grim, tell him!

We cut to a shot of Mrs. G, who slowly fades away.



BLAIR
What's happening? What did you do to Mrs. Grim?

CHESTER
I didn't do anything. You did. Your consciousness is starting to break free!

BLAIR
Oh no. My consciousness killed our housemother!
(canned laughter)

CHESTER
Hold on a moment. Let me show you this Beyblade.

BLAIR
A blade? Get away from me!
(canned laughter)

CHESTER
No, not that kind of blade. Here, look. It's a toy!

BLAIR
Sir, it is 1987 and there are NO toys like that in 1987.  Cabbage Patch Dolls, GoBots, and My Little Ponies. THOSE are toys.
(canned laughter)

CHESTER
It's like a top. You pull the cord, and it spins!

Chester makes the Beyblade spin on the table. We cut back and forth between Chester and Blair. The Beyblade continues to spin.

CHESTER
Now, if this were reality, you'd have to agree - the top would stop spinning, right?

BLAIR
I - I guess so.

CHESTER
But, since this is all just a dream, this thing will spin on and on forever.

BLAIR
Maybe you just pulled on it too hard.

CHESTER
Mr. Wormser, I did not pull on it too hard!
(canned laughter)

Chester looks around, hearing the canned laughter for the first time.

CHESTER
What's that?

BLAIR
What's what?
(canned laughter)

CHESTER
That! Don't you hear all the laughing?

BLAIR
Laughing?
(canned laughter)

CHESTER
There it is again! Don't tell me you can't hear that!

BLAIR
Hear what?
(canned laughter)

CHESTER
Stop it, damn your hide! You're just trying to get my goat!

BLAIR
Goat? You're not hearing goats too, are you?
(canned laughter)

With this, Chester can't take it any more. He grabs Blair by the throat and begins to throttle her.




CHESTER
Why, you little...
(canned laughter)

Chester continues choking Blair. Canned laughter echoes throughout the "studio". We zoom into Blair's pupil, and when we zoom out it is again from Mr. Wormser's, in "reality". He awakens, coughing violently.

WORMSER
Ack! Agh! What the Hell happened to me? What's with all of these wires?

Chester snaps up from his chair.

CHESTER
Oh, Mr. Wormser! I did it! I brought you back from that horrible nightmare you were trapped in!

WORMSER
Horrible nightmare? Damn you, Grim! I was livin' on easy street in Peekskill! 'The Facts of Life' is one of my favorite shows of all time!

CHESTER
Oh, deary me! So it wasn't unbearable, torturous delirium?

WORMSER
'Silver Spoons' is unbearable! 'Small Wonder' is torturous! 'The Facts of Life' isn't purgatory, it's pure bliss! And you had to go and drag me back into the cold, unforgiving void that is THIS! The dark, unwiped anus of reality! Thanks a lot, Mother Teresa! Your Nobel Peace Prize is in the mail!

CHESTER
Oofah. Well, let's take a final break! It's time to wrap this baby up in swaddling clothes and put it to bed!

WORMSER
Bed, shmed! Ratty-haired joysucker!

Cut to commercial(s).


Back from commercials.

When we return, Chester is standing with Legion on the "main stage", and Mr. Wormser is "on the other side of the room". The Beyblade is sitting on the table.

CHESTER
Legion, before we go, I'd like to offer you my heartfelt thanks for giving me assitance when I needed it most!

LEGION
You are quite welcome! It does my heart good to aid and assist my loyal followers! Plus, the soul activity keeps me from losing my job to that idiot Belphegor!

WORMSER
Aid and assist, my ass! It's more like aiding and abettting!

LEGION
What's he talkin' about, Iggy Pop?

WORMSER
Iggy Pop? So, it's Iggy Pop now? Ha-ha! What's wrong, "Mick"? You forget who you were? Again?!?

Chester tries to "shush" Mr. Wormser by shaking his head and doing the "cut" motion by drawing his finger across his neck.

LEGION
Oh, I get it. I got yer name wrong again, didn't I? Well, doodie-do-do! Good old Legion, always confusing one with another! What a lot of egg I have on my face today! Tell me stranger - just WHAT is your name? Let's meet each other proper for once!

Chester is very quiet, almost ashamed. He speaks to Legion with his head down.

CHESTER
It's um... Chester. Chester Grim.

LEGION
(sarcastic)
Chester Grim! Well, boy-howdy, that's a fine name! It's a damn shame you didn't tell me five years ago! Nice to meet you, Chester Grim!

Legion and Chester shake hands. Chester still looks forlorn.

LEGION
First, I think you're Mickey Rourke! Then, I think you're Iggy Pop! But who'd a thought it! All along you were Chester Grim!

WORMSER
And he never had the plums to tell you otherwise! Where oh where is Mrs. Garrett
 when you need need warm, seasoned advice?

CHESTER
Mr. Wormser, that just isn't fair! What was I supposed to do? I mean, after all - Legion here is a supernatural being of unparalleled omnipotence! Who am I to have corrected him?

WORMSER
(singsong)
No plums! (whistles)

LEGION
Well, it would have been nice. We could'a been pals! We could'a gone back in time, and had lunch at the Tail O' The Cock in La Cienega! But - you know what they say - fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, shame on that guy!

WORMSER
Nope, you're wrong. It's fool me once, shame on...

LEGION
Silence!

Legion blasts Mr. Wormser with a point of his finger, making him explode. Chester is aghast.

CHESTER
Oh, no! Legion! You just...

LEGION
Boooomshakkalakka!

Legion blasts Chester, who also explodes. Legion stands on set for a moment, taking it all in. Suddenly, Nibsy pops up where Mr. Wormser was standing before he was obliterated.

NIBSY
Oy! What's with all the noise up 'ere, eh? Smells like somebody just burned up the vaccuum at a no-kill animal shelter...

LEGION
Buh-laggondragonfraggon!



Nibsy is also exploded. Legion notices Mr. Babcock's head. He studies it for a moment. We get a nice close-up of Babcock.

LEGION
Scrumdiddlyumptious!

Babcock explodes too. Legion is laying waste to the cast of the show. After a few seconds, Tiny Marvin begins to "spool down" from the ceiling on a length of twisted jute twine. They study each other for a moment.

TINY MARVIN
(gibberish)

LEGION
Huh? Come again?

TINY MARVIN
(gibberish)

LEGION
You may be right.

Legion walks off the set. We see Tiny Marvin, still hanging from his bit of jute twine.

TINY MARVIN
(gibberish)


We see Legion's hand extend into the shot.



LEGION
Gotcha!




Legion blasts Tiny Marvin, who explodes too. Marvin disappears. The only thing left is the twine, burning on the end. We cut to a long shot of the Mausoleum set. Legion walks back into frame. He picks up the Beyblade, and pulls the ripcord. He sets it back on the table, letting it spin. We cut to a closeup of the Beyblade spinning. It spins, for seconds. When it is about to stop, (just like the top in 'Inception') we cut to black.

Roll end "Facts of Life" style credits.
End of episode.



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